Afraid to leave my sober bubble
First, I want to start out by saying today marks FOUR MONTHS of sobriety for sister #1! You have made it one third of a year sissy! That is huge!!! This is the longest either of us have ever lasted and that continues to encourage me that this time we are in it for the long haul. I have been feeling scared lately though. I'm scared of stepping out into the world of dating, and concerts, and weekend trips with friends who still drink. It all just makes me nervous. I'm scared to go on a first date and not take 2 shots of vodka before I head out the door to take the edge off. I'm nervous that I won't be as fun or charming as I would like to be because I'm too busy being stuck inside my head about how he might be perceiving me or what he's thinking at the moment. What I need to tell myself is "WHO THE HELL CARES!!" So what if he doesn't like me or find me as witty as I like to think I am. That's the whole point of dating! You put yourself out there and get more comfortable being yourself with someone you hardly know and it will not always work out. But it is a step in the right direction. I have not had a romantic fling or any feelings of that nature for about a year now. A whole 365 days. Because I have been so consumed in dealing with all the shit I got myself into, I don't have a spare minute to try to meet someone. Even if I did, I'm not sure I have the confidence at the moment to confront the questions that come up in the small talk of getting to know someone. Potential date: "Oh you just graduated nursing school? That's awesome! So why aren't you working as a nurse?" Me: "Oh well since you asked, the board of nursing won't give me my license since I recently got ARRESTED for driving under the influence and having a BAC that is so high they do not want to entrust me with taking care of patients in this country. So I have to take it to court and fight to get the job that I have gone to school for for my whole life. But enough about me, tell me about your job!" (bat my eyes and try to still seem appealing so he won't run for the hills) Ugh. I guess these are the things I will have to experience at some point. I also don't know if I even remember how to flirt without being a little tipsy. I have not had a sober first kiss with a guy since my first kiss with my last long term boyfriend that I dated for almost 5 years. I was 17 when we had that first kiss. And now I am 24. Every first kiss I have had with someone new since we broke up has been under the influence of alcohol. That is depressing to think about. It has taken me almost three years to finally feel like I am healing from the horrible breakup that ended that very serious relationship of mine. I coped as unhealthily as you can possibly imagine and I am finally starting to rebuild myself. I dated a few people casually here and there in that 3 year period, but booze was often involved with me feeling comfortable enough with them and then it never lasted very long. I am becoming the person that I actually want to be now and I am hoping that that will attract the right type of person for me when I am ready. The thought of a sober date still scares the shit out of me but we're supposed to do things that scare us right?
I'm also afraid of this upcoming weekend I have planned. Months ago, I bought tickets to a three day music festival in San Francisco with two of my closest friends. These two friends happen to be the biggest drinkers I know. I bought the tickets before I made the choice to be sober so that obviously did not factor into my decision. Music festivals are a newly sober person's worst nightmare. At least its mine. Part of me doesn't want to go at all. But it is too late to back out and waste all the money I spent on the ticket. So I am going to swallow my anxiety about it, put a smile on my face, watch them get sloshed for three straight days, and enjoy the music that I went there to see. It sounds easier said than done, but I'm going to do my best to stay positive! Rest assured, I WILL NOT TAKE ONE SIP OF ALCOHOL. That is one thing I can be certain of. Wish me luck as I am stepping out of my sober bubble of simply working and hanging out with my sober family. Three days and then I can crawl back into bed with Netflix and ice cream and be happy that I am not feeling hungover. I can't stay in my comfort zone forever so I might as well go out there and see what I'm made of. Sister #1 has offered to be on call all weekend long if I ever need to call and vent about how its going. I am so grateful to you for that sissy!!! Deep breaths.....we got this.