Honesty
As I am going through this sober journey of mine, I am realizing the importance of complete and utter honesty. This can be applied to any situation, but I think honesty is a huge ongoing part of sobriety that we need to continually be working on. Addicts are deceitful and manipulative by nature. We learned how to be good at making people see us a certain way in order to save our self image. We also learned how to lie to ourselves and make our addiction seem like it is not a real problem. Honesty is hard. I would much rather tell some white lies here and there, and maybe even some bigger ones, in order to save myself from some uncomfortable conversations. I am realizing how healing it is to be straight up and honest with myself and with others. I am tired of living a life of showing only the "good parts" of myself to people. I am starting to find beauty in the raw and messy parts of myself, and this makes me more comfortable to share this side with others. I used to be really embarrassed about my DUI and when people would ask about my nursing license I would lie and say things like "oh the board of nursing is just really backed up, it will take me a while to get my license." Or, "They had problems with my transcripts, it will still be a few months." This dishonesty inside of me has been building up and I am exhausted with it. I am starting to be straight up when asked that question and I say, "Actually it is going to take me a bit longer because I have a DUI on my record and need to get it sorted out." Phewphhhh. Such a breath of fresh air. Then that person usually gives me some type of half-assed pity statement about how that must be hard for me. I do not even mind the superficial interaction because at least now they will not bother me about it again! HONESTY! Who knew? It can work some wonders, I tell ya.
I recently got another small part time job at a coffee shop close to where I live and it has been going great. I sat down with the owner last night to talk about how I'm feeling about working there and if I'm getting along okay. She mentioned bringing me on permanently and running a background check when we do my official paperwork. My heart dropped.... I thought, "Ugh, seriously? I can't even have one employer not know about my poor decisions outside of the work place?" But I knew I just needed to tell her right then. So I spit it out. I said very upfront, " I just want to let you know that when you run a background check, a DUI from about a year ago will show up...I wanted you to know from me before you see it for yourself." And she reacted marvelously! She was all intrigued in my story and how I got to that point and how I am doing now and we ended up talking for almost an hour before I left work. It was great. She told me she respected me a lot for being honest and up front about it. That is such a relief to me! I am starting to feel like this is a major part of my story and I need to stop being embarrassed to share it with people. You never know who will relate to me and maybe who needs to hear my story to encourage them through the same challenges. Alcoholics are sneaky by nature and I want to consciously be trying to cut that character flaw out of my life. Honesty is always best and I am continually being reminded of that. I am praying that #1 and I will be able to get through New Years by being honest with ourselves and doing what is best for us. 2017 is going to be a great one! I will be clinking glasses with friends while mine is full of Martinelli's!
Cheers!
-#2