It's been a while. Lately I have been noticing the same annoying patterns in my life. I'm 28 and single. I've always wanted to find "my person." My drinking definitely didn't help with that. It led me to people who weren't good for me. The thing that bothers me is that I have always felt the need to have someone there. Even if it won't last in the long run. Codependent. I love knowing someone cares about me, even if they aren't the person I'm going to end up with. Similar to alcohol, which filled a void in me, even though it didn't bring any lasting happiness. I want quick results. I'm impulsive and impatient.
Something I've been realizing is I haven't been able to give my sober self time to heal from the damage I created in my past. This past year of being sober, I've substituted my alcohol addiction with my habits of relationship addiction that never left me. I haven't been able to let go. It's taken me a year to stop hanging out with a guy I most likely won't end up with. My inability to stick to my gut and do what my heart knows it needs is super frustrating. I don't want to depend on feelings of love and attention to make me happy. I am tired of feeling like Sometimes I still feel like I'm not in control of my actions. If I was still drinking, this relationship issue of mine would be 1000000 percent worse. But still, i want to make more progress. I need to keep surrendering. Why is surrendering so hard?
This past weekend I was at my friend's wedding. "Martinelli's for me please, no champagne." This still pains me a bit to say. I was hoping that I would never want to drink again. But i still find myself wishing I could drink wine at weddings with my friends. I won't, of course. But I hope that the more years that go by, I'll stop wishing. I have to remember that my drinking has only brought terrible things into my life. And I never want just one.
Today I'm thankful for all that I have.I am so proud of sissy #2 for how strong she has been in her sobriety. She is constantly reminding me of how better our lives are without alcohol. Let's focus on the good in our life. It goes by too fast. Let's be thankful for love and beauty and health this holiday season!