Fading Pink Cloud
During the seven months that I have been sober, I have read lots and lots of sober blogs. They all talk about the first 6 months as being in a pink cloud where sobriety is awesome and exciting and you are so proud of yourself for having the strength to wake up and live each day sober and fully present. After a while, the pink cloud begins to fade and you start to realize that this is just how things are now. It is no longer cool and exciting that you are attempting sobriety, because it is no longer that new of a thing. It has kind of just become the norm and what everyone expects of you. I am also realizing that I have placed some of my addictive tendencies into other areas (such as eating ice cream with sister #1 almost every night). This was something that I justified with myself for the longest time by saying "well a bowl of ice cream a day is better than a bottle of wine a day, right?" or "At least I'm sober!" And yes, those things are true, but enough is enough. I was starting to notice changes in my body, where I was hanging on to those extra pounds in all the wrong areas and just not feeling good in my skin. I decided to do "no sugar November" as my first attempt to break this ice cream habit. It is challenging, but I am already feeling a bit more fit and healthy! Although, I do confess that I will allow myself a piece of pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving. It would be inhumane to deprive myself of that holiday tradition, am I right? I'm doing it more to get myself on the right track with self control and discipline, which I now seem to lack in every area except for drinking.
Also, this new boy I'm dating, as wonderful and amazing as he is, does not fully understand my sobriety. He supports me, is proud of me, and would never try to get me to drink or anything like that, but I do not think he quite gets the seriousness of the issue of alcohol for me. He met me since I've been sober, so I think I might appear as though I have myself together and do not still struggle with it at all. I have tried to explain the severity of my alcoholism and say things like, "no, you don't understand. You would hate me if you saw me drunk. I would embarrass you in front of your friends. I would become a major bitch to you. I would not remember our conversations or what we did that night. I would be a totally different person than the person you see me as now." And he nods and tries to understand, but I just am not sure that he can. I think he thinks I am capable of drinking a beer or two with the guys and still being normal, well because technically I am, but then the addiction would grab me and I would need more after those 2 beers. I am put in situations constantly where he wants to spend time with his friends, who are all single young guys who spend their weekends drinking and trying to meet girls. I am totally fine letting him do his thing and spend time with them without me, but there are also times when he invites me that I would like to go because I think it is important to spend time with your significant other and their friends. He is always very sensitive to the fact I am not drinking, but I still can't help but always feel like a burden. I feel like when I am there, he has to be extra cautious of whether or not I am having fun, or if I am feeling uncomfortable, and I don't like feeling like I'm weighing him down. We have had multiple discussions about it and what it comes down to is us having to meet each other somewhere in the middle. Either I won't come to these social things all the time, and I'll be okay with that, or when I do decide to come, I will put a smile on my face and he will not question whether or not I am having a good time. Ugh.
It is situations like this that make me honestly wish I was a normal drinker who could have a few beers with the guys and have a good time. Unfortunately, this is not the case for me and it never will be. I don't like being put in situations where it makes me wish I could drink, because what good does that do for my emotional and mental well being? But at this stage in our relationship I think I still feel the need to do some things that I don't 100% want to do, just because I'm worried about how it makes me look to him and his friends. I'm hoping that this will get easier over time. I'm also hoping that I can find something to pick me back up to being on a sober high. As of now, I'm feeling kind of blah about it and definitely nervous about the holidays coming up and how all of that will make me feel. Navigating your way through a new relationship is never easy, and it makes it 10 times harder to do it when you are newly sober. I am still firm in my stance of not drinking, do not worry about that! Sobriety has simply lost some of its glitz and glam to me. Maybe that will come back, and maybe it won't. But either way, I am grateful today to be sober and to have jobs that are helping me through this time. I'm also thankful for sister #1 for fighting this sober fight alongside of me! We are stronger together and never alone.