Wow. I just realized that quite a bit of time has passed since I have written a blog post! I have been incredibly busy and distracted and dating and happy and going a million different directions! There are so many things going through my head at all hours of the day. I am going to try to put some of them to writing right now...
Where do I start... well that amazing first date that I went on about a month ago has evolved into a very exciting new relationship. I honestly could not have hoped for a better situation and I feel very blessed to have had such a positive experience so far with this whole sober dating thing. I am continuing to be blown away by how honest and real the foundation of this relationship has been. I cannot imagine how it would be if I were trying to drink my way through it. I shudder at the thought of drunken date nights and me waking up feeling unsure of what I said to him the night before. I would have definitely scared him off after 2 or 3 dates. I am so happy he will never know that version of me. He is getting to know the raw version of myself that I am starting to feel comfortable showing. I am not hiding behind alcohol or putting on a face to fit in and feel accepted. Everything just feels so real and mature, like how I imagine adult relationships are supposed to be. Who knew?! This whole thing is very new and scary for me, but I am trying not to get in my head too much about it. This is a fun and exciting time in my life. I want to dive in and be fully present to enjoy every second.
One thing that was particularly scary for me happened this past weekend, when he asked me to come and meet all of his friends. I agreed with a smile on my face, but inside I was freaking out. I tried not to think about it until the minutes when I was getting ready to leave and all I wanted was a glass of wine, or 2 shots of vodka to calm my nerves. That used to always be my answer before leaving for an uncomfortable social event, because why not? I would show up still seeming sober, but with that little mental edge taken off inside of me so I could relax. This made me upset. I am a human being who is allowed to be nervous to be in a social environment with six guys I have never met. Why do I need to drown that feeling away? Because that is how addicts have conditioned their minds. We do not want to feel ANYTHING. The second things get uncomfortable we want to numb them. That wasn't an option for me though. So I made myself some espresso, got ready, and forced myself to drive to his friends house without a clue of what to expect. My heart was pounding, I wanted to turn around and say I wasn't feeling well, but I just did it. I went with him and six of his closest friends to three different bars, and I didn't drink. I had the best time. I felt like I was able to relax and be myself and I am SO HAPPY I did not have any alcohol in my body. I would've been talking too loudly, saying things that weren't all that funny, and probably trying to get too handsy with this new man of mine in public. Boy am I happy that things did not go that direction. I was fun and intentional with my conversation, and he made a comment to me that they all loved me. Wow. That did wonders for my sober self esteem. A few of them pried a bit about me not drinking and I ended up explaining that I don't drink anymore because it became an issue for me and I am much better off without it. They thought it was really cool I recognized that in myself and that I am still so okay with going out in the bar scene (which I did not tell them that it actually was not as easy for me as I was letting on but that is okay).
Besides all that, I have just been working so much that I hardly have time to do anything for myself. It is starting to take a toll on me so tonight I plan on doing some yoga, making a healthy dinner, and reading a book in bed. I need a night like that right about now. Thank you #1 for putting up with my mood swings when I feel too tired to even have a conversation. That is something I need to work on as well. I am plugging along; slowly but surely taking care of little things that are getting me closer to finishing all this DUI business and hopefully getting my nursing license. Oh what a long year this has been. But I am grateful to be alive, and have my health, my sobriety, and jobs that are keeping me afloat right now. Life is good, thank you God!